I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
