HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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