dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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