I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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