I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Holy sore nipples Batman
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
