Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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