I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
