You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
