just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
that's an acceptable place to lick
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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