How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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