if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize