life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
there is glitter all over my balls
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
