just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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