I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
