We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
