My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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