I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
