we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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