please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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