Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
