he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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