Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I would fuck him just for his dog
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
