Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
