the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
