LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
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