I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
