There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
