New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We had sex on a dog bed..
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
