how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
