During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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