apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
