Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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