I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
