Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
