if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
