yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
