how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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