How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
