"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
