you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
