is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
