hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
