I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
