I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
