I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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