Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
