Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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