Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
