I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
