chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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