Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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