You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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