just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
