you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
