as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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