My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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