My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize