Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
