so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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