My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
